I'm Going to Disneyland!

   It never ceases to amaze me the amount of characters and wit one can come across in this world. And in my little world of aviation, I feel that sometimes this fact is truly exemplified since it's possible to cross paths with literally hundreds of these individuals in a single flight just during the required radio communications. Typically, in the world of professional aviation, there is standard phraseology for just about everything spoken across radio. Most of us are taught from the early days when we are just "young, little baby pilots" who can't tell a wing from a window that everything on the radio must be spoken both quickly and concisely. There's just no place for jargon or urban dictionary type slangs on professional radio. And to be honest, I probably felt like a five year old kid who just got away with stealing a free sample from the grocery store the first time I accidentally said something "non-standard" on a radio call. My palms got kinda sweaty and my brain started rushing in circles. "Oh crud! I don't think I can say that. Should I correct myself? Am I gonna get in trouble?" Then the air traffic controller, like the mother of that little five year old who has "absconded" his spoils, acts like nothing happened or maybe even gives a little sarcastic critique with a snicker and goes about shopping, er...um... directing multi-million dollar aircraft rather. Then usually soon after, some jet jockey comes on and just when you're thinking "here comes a great example of professional use of standard phraseology," (cause that's how my brain works... Don't judge me) the jumble of words that come across the frequency are barely recognizable, definitely not standard, and ended in something like "Okey dokey good buddy. Have a good'un." Which is by no means "standard," just in case you're wandering. And right then, in that very moment, you learn something. Suddenly that dim little landing light  (read: lightbulb, for any non-pilots) above your head comes on and you figure a few things out. One: ATC really doesn't care too much if you screw up a call once in a while. Two: ATC has way more high priority (read: expensive, faster, and shinier) aircraft to be concerned about than your little four-cylinder, getting passed by cars on the ground, "flying toaster" you probably trained in. Three: if you could just get to where that "jet guy" was, then someday, you too could be so cool that the rules won't even apply anymore. You'll be king of the world! And about this time, just as reality is slipping from your grasp, a sharp smack to the back of the head brings you back and your instructor reminds you that day-dreaming has no place in the cockpit. Nonetheless, you dared to dream of one day owning the skies and being above all other life on earth (take that as you will); of being the cool, old guy captain on the radio whose years of experience and grit have seemingly made him above all reproach. What no one tells you though, is that often, it's not ATC that's corrects you when you screw up on the radio. Most of the time, your slice (or entire pan as it may be) of humble pie comes from your fellow aviators. The aviation community is full of those just waiting for the proper time to less loose their one-liners and zingers upon their fellow airmen. And often, those are the times that bring us back down to earth from our permanent residence on cloud nine (cause nobody has ever met a hot-headed pilot before). And the reason for captain "cool, old guy"  being just that, is simply because he's been around long enough to mess up more than everyone else. But again, nobody tells you that. Cause as pilots, they've never messed up before............. Riiiiiiiight.

   Anyway, the mix of people and situations can sometimes make for very interesting radio conversation. Just recently, I was on a trip which ended with a early morning flight from Columbia, Missouri to Chicago, Illinois. It had already been an interesting trip since I had told our Columbia, South Carolina that we were arriving in Cincinnati, which can cause post-apocalyptic chaos for the flight attendant. And not but two turns before, our Jackson, Mississippi passengers were suddenly very attentive when I misstated our destination as Missouri! Now usually I pride myself on my professional radio communications, but this trip seemed to be just one humble pie after the other. So needless to say, on the morning of our Chicago flight, I was ready for a day off. Nevertheless, I completed my preflight duties like a good little first officer and readied myself to copy our departure clearance as I keyed the mic.
   "Columbia Tower, Regional 1234, ready to copy clearance for Chicago."
Without hesitation, "Regional 1234, you're cleared to Disneyland via the Mickey Mouse 5 departure."

Knowing that somewhere along the way, I had missed something prior to opening my mouth, I checked my radios. "Dangit! I'm on Guard." (The emergency frequency) Some hot-shot funny guy cruising along at 30-something thousand feet had the oven on and the pie made and was just waiting. Knowing what I did, I took my face full of humble pie and congratulated the wise guy on the other side of the radio, switched the frequency, and looked over to see my captain smiling. He then reassured me that the controllers at Chicago would only be worse........ "Crud" 

   I've got several other stories as well, but those can be recounted later. Looking back at those instances now just makes me smile. Cause I've learned more and know they won't be the last time I eat pie. And now that I've made it up through the ranks of instructor to regional airline first officer, I can look back and laugh at several of my blunders, as well as many of the hilarious blunders of so many of my fellow aviators, both student and professional alike. And thinking back over all the experiences I've had, whether good or tough, even with all the crazy and stress, I can't help but conclude that, I quite possibly have the best job there is.
  
P.S. > If you were expecting some story or tips or pinterest-y things about ACTUALLY going to Disneyland, I am sorry to disappoint you. As penitence, I give you permission to have a cookie.......... or ten. Enjoy!